


Mechanical Madness

by Oceanbreeze7



Series: Avenger Oneshot Challenges [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Artificial Intelligence, Coffee Addict Tony Stark, Parent Tony Stark, Protective Tony, Robot Feels, Robot/Human Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-31
Updated: 2014-12-31
Packaged: 2018-03-04 11:33:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3066305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oceanbreeze7/pseuds/Oceanbreeze7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Challenge from FF.net<br/>Secretly, all of Tony's kitchen appliances are AI's, they're just a little scared of the other Avengers.<br/>But the moment Tony enters the room...'WHAT ARE YOU DOING?'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mechanical Madness

**Author's Note:**

> One thing I can imagine is that all of Tony's kitchen appliances are AIs. Jarvis  
> acts all snarky and awesome with Tony and maybe Pepper, but he acts just like  
> a robot, who only speaks when spoken to, with anybody else because he simply  
> doesn't trust them. The kitchen appliances are the same way. They give no  
> indication that they're anything more than advanced, expensive machines. Now,  
> the Avengers have been living in the tower for about a week and Tony's been  
> locked in his lab. He has to fly out to Japan or somewhere and he's in a rush.  
> It's the first time since they moved in that they've seen Tony enter the  
> kitchen and the room literally comes to life. The toaster zooms about on  
> wheels, the coffee machine delivers his lifeblood, and the creator of all this  
> madness is just standing in the middle of the kitchen, arguing away with  
> Jarvis, completly oblivious to his teammate's stares.
> 
> *Bonus points if Tony highfives any of his beloved AIs(who all have names).  
> **Double bonus points if Tony speaks the language of the bots. They're  
> beeping, chirping, and whistling and he's answering them In English

_"Sir, I believe that the engine is not made for hands to be inserted into it."_

"I know that Jar- ow!" Tony yelped, pulling out his hand from the engine, staring at a loose wire in shock as it had sent a quick zap into his hand.

"You did that on purpose! I didn't make you to be devious, you little brat!"

 _"I was not aware that you personally modified my core to suit your personality preference."_ Jarvis smoothly responded back, issuing a round of low chuckles from Tony as he wiped his greasy hands on a spare rag Dummy eagerly rolled over, single camera lens pulling back and blinking widely, and chirping loudly while he waited eagerly for the rag to put it back on the table.

"Little excited, aren't you? Oil working well?" Tony asked and tossed the rag back, Dummy snatching it up while doing a little spin, whistling loudly and causing You to respond with a series of chips of his own, the equivalent of laughter.

_"I must inform you, that Dummy has not failed to place anything in the last twenty four hours, sir."_

"Of course he hasn't- I fixed his sensors." Tony boasted proudly, Dummy letting a loud chirp that was probably the equivalent to a  _'yeeeaaah!'_ in the general direction of You, all the while doing a fist bump with his arm.

You sent back his own clicking noise, spinning his three claws for a few seconds, causing Tony to affectionately scowl at his now snickering robot, and Jarvis whose core was flashing In amusement.

_"It seems that You has a logical point, sir."_

"Oh hush! It wasn't my fault the circuits were messed up to begin wi-" Tony stopped, You on another spree of clicking and whirring while Tony stared, a low chuckle and Dummy's own laughter.

"I see where you're getting your cheek from, Jarvis." Tony laughed, You wheeling over and lightly nudging Dummy, who nudged back, sending more clicks.

"Hey hey, behave. You, apologize to Dummy, Dummy, you had no right to insult You's mother, especially since I'm technically that." Tony scolded, both robots looking at him and bleating out synchronized chirps, lenses lowering in some amount of sheepishness.

"Good- Jarvis, do you know where Butterfingers is?" Tony blinked, looking at a screen as Jarvis searched the house.

_"Butterfingers is currently located in Mr. Banner's lab, overseeing repairs. May I also draw to attention the fact that Captain Rodgers is approaching the lab."_

At once, You and Dummy sprang away from their play table-tennis fight, retreating with various beeps as they tucked themselves away, lens closing and arm dropping as they played dead. Even Jarvis quieted, his normally sarcastic British tone quieting in the equivalent of being shy. Tony sighed, pushing away from his desk and spinning around, to look at Steve, who just walked in.

"Er- hi Tony." Steve awkwardly waved, causing Tony to lift one eyebrow.

"Rodgers." Tony nodded back, crossing his arms and waiting.

It wasn't that long ago that they had fought Loki, at most, a week. Amazingly enough, they had settled nicely, Thor having to leave with Loki put a slight damper on things, but Natasha's comfort at being in Tony's presence (from her spying mission- he was still upset about that) immediately  
calmed Clint, and Bruce was already used to Tony from them being on the Helicarrier labs. If anything, Steve was the oddball, and him coming down was something of a surprise in itself.

"The others were thinking that maybe you should join us upstairs- we don't really know how to operate your kitchen." Steve awkwardly stated, shifting his weight as Tony sighed, lifting one eyebrow.

"Gramps can't work a stove?" Tony smirked, fully expecting chirps from his little friends, but noticing You only drop his arm further caused him to sigh, even Jarvis remained quiet.

He rose, not wanting to stay in the same room as his little 'bots when they were so terrified of Rodgers, in fact, they were terrified of everyone in the exception of Pepper and Rhodey. They were even terrified of Obadiah, refusing to work when he cursed, wanting access into his lab.

It wasn't that he was afraid for them, but Pepper had called for an important board meeting, apparently some of his companies in Japan were refusing to work for him due to his recent Avenger profile. This was his last day, and if anything, he was a little upset at leaving his little metallic family. At least he'd have Jarvis on his phone.

"…So, Natasha poison you yet with Vodka she snuck in with- or did she pick the lock on my stash?" Tony conversationally started up, causing Steve to sigh and look at him with a slight frown as they entered the elevator, awaiting the kitchen and living room ensemble.

"None, Clint's trying to work out how to use your toaster- he's never seen something as high tech." Steve mentioned, Tony trying to hide a snort, imagining a ruffled Clint try to force some piece of bread in his little Cutie.

 _"Shall I alert your presence to the others?"_ Jarvis asked over the intercom, voice slightly quieter than normal as he asked, causing Steve to jump and stare around trying to find the voice.

"Nah- let's just waltz on in, after all I  _do_  own the place." Tony smirked, the doors spinning open as the two walked out, staring at the mess.

Clint was glaring, grinding his teeth as an entire bag of rumpled and ripped slices of bread were scattered all over, the stove looked as if something had exploded in it, and the sink was currently overflowing, as something heavy was forcing its poor handle out.

Natasha was sitting on the table, glaring and  _growling_  as a microwave she had actually detached from the wall, holding a fork threateningly while Bruce looked befuddled over the chrome coffee maker.

Tony walked in, eyes widening while he looked over the sight, he nearly shrieked in horror at the sight, instead crying out,  _"What are you doing?"_

They looked up, Clint still with a scowl while Natasha just arched one eyebrow; Bruce at least had the decency to look embarrassed as he walked away from his terrified little coffee maker.

At the sound of his voice, it seemed the entire room burst alive.

The previously refusing Coffee maker burst to life, panel sliding up, showing two little red glass circles which blinked as it beeped enthusiastically, the pot spinning in place as instantly black liquid poured into the pot in which it spun happily, clapping the top open and closed.

The toaster, in which Clint had been threatening beeped loudly in a shriek, rolling away quickly with its chord dragging behind similar to a tail as its tiny motorized wheels took it to the far side of the counter, closest to him, beeping and waving its tiny little triggers quickly.

The oven coughed, spluttering in itself as a cloud of smoke lifted up, where Jarvis started the vents, and it waved the small extensions used to hand pots around like arms, buzzing loudly in anger over its previous abuse, slamming the door open and closed while the Microwave mimicked, this time slamming its door shut and  _hissing_  at Natasha before wheeling its way across the table, using its tail as a whip to hack at Natasha's hand as she attempted to grab it again.

"Stop!" Tony shouted in the madness of the upset kitchen appliances, Clint, Bruce, and Natasha watching dumbfounded as the Toaster actually summoned the energy to  _cry_  as two fat tears of something akin to oil dripped out of the little slots, the entire thing shaking after Clint's manhandling, and the sink struggled, muffled beeping loudly.

Tony glared at the three, before sighing and walking to the sink, removing the pot and at once the movable chord moved, wrapping around his wrist and purring in joy, waving the handles around at his savior, while Tony patted it a few times before spinning around and glaring.

"Just  _what."_  Tony hissed, venom in his voice, "Where you doing?"

Clint blinked, looked at Natasha who shrugged, then blinked again.

"Um- making toast?" He offered, holding up a mangled piece of bread.

At once, the toaster issued a horrible cry, wheeling itself to Tony as it wound its chord around his bicep, pressing its metal face into his side, sending out frantic beeps.

"She says you were attacking her with wheat products." Tony translated, still glaring at Clint, who wasn't sure if he should laugh, or stare.

"She-"

"Cutie says that you- no sweetheart, that's not a nice thing to say- fine, wait…no, I did not hear about  _that."_  Tony stared, and then looked at the oven who coughed pathetically.

"Oh god- what did they do to  _you,_  no-  _pizza? Without a rack?_ " Tony practically shrieked, before the toaster piped up, and the microwave joined in with the beeps, hissing and pointing its chord at Natasha, which she hissed again when she noticed the stare.

"First of all- who stuck a pizza in Owen?" Tony growled, and the microwave pointed towards Natasha, who scowled at the microwave, who hissed again, a series of chips being sent off.

"Hey! You stop it right now, young lady. If I hear you call her that again, you're going to the soup kitchen. Now, go make Cutie stop crying." Tony pointed, and the microwave seemed to hiss again before wheeling around and moving to the leaking toaster.

The Coffee maker watched, issuing a small weak beep before stopping his brewing and offering a cup of coffee to Tony, who accepted it gratefully, taking a large drink.

"Now- where was I-"

_"Sir, Mrs. Potts is informing me to remind you about your flight to Japan."_

Tony's eyes widened and he cursed loudly, the microwave pointing and hissing softly in amusement while she wheeled back to her spot, watching and waving her chord around while Tony groaned.

"Fine- Jarvis, tell her I'm on my way-"

_"I'm afraid I can't do that, as she has foreseen this. She will be arriving in three minutes."_

"But I'm not even packed yet! I can't do tha- No! Cutie you can't help me get ready by making me a sandwich!"

The toaster beeped loudly as if whining, but Tony was already arguing.

"What about Happy? Can you tell him to make a detour?"

_"I am afraid Mr. Hogans is not her driver of his afternoon."_

"Dang it! Jarvis- can you get You and Butterfingers to pack for me?"

_"Dummy is attempting to escape the lab, sir- Dummy has gained control of the intercom, sir."_

It was a confusing moment for the Avengers as loud beeps and a whirring noise was heard throughout the tower, and Tony sighed, putting his head in his hand.

" _No,_  Dummy, you've got to come wi- what, do you mean that? Really? You want to come with me  _that bad-_ no, the red one…really? You found the gold one? No- you're joking me! I looked ther- oh shut up." Tony scowled playfully at a camera while an odd mixture of beeps and clicks answered back.

"What- what are you saying?" Steve asked, eyes wide as he watched Tony communicate to a beeping machine.

"Ties- what else?" Tony asked, getting a look on his face that said completely that  _they_ were idiots.

"Okay Dummy-no, Jarvis can put you on my ph-  _yes_  Jarvis has to come wit- don't pull that card with me! Mr.  _I-don't-want-to-be-with-him!_  Jarvis takes offence to that." Tony pouted, while Dummy clicked again.

_"No Dummy, I do not take offence to that."_

"Well I'm your creator so you are offended!" Tony shot back, spinning around while Cutie the Toaster and the Coffee Machine re created a Star Wars scene, cutie even clutching one of her dials and letting out a fake scream as it was 'sliced off.'

"Hey- Mochs- it's 'Luke, I am your father' not 'I am your creat- yeah, I guess in this case that would work." Tony shrugged, taking the offered coffee, doing a complicated maneuver of a high five that ended up with Mocha playing dead, and walked out of the room, all the while speaking the language of clicks and beeps.

Natasha, who was slightly less stunned then the others made her way over by the evil microwave, a fork clutched firmly in her grasps, but just as she drew near, said microwave jumped aside, the growling previously hurt sink sending a large spray of freezing cold water in her face, causing her to yelp and shout as she was suddenly dripping wet.

_"Sir, it seems Mrs. Romanoff is starting a fight with Munchkin and Turtle."_

"Oh? Did Turtle and Munch' get her?" Tony asked, stopping in the hallway only to hear an angry shout a second later.

_"I would safely assume that yes; they did 'get her'."_


End file.
